Keeping focussed

Group Network:
Find yourself a group of others who have gone through or are going through similar emotional trauma. Your instinct may be to say that ‘I am not the type of person who can share my feelings and experiences’. Now is the time for change. As embarrassed as you may feel, you will feel equally lonely. Counteract this by finding a support group. Turn to your local church or community groups who will undoubtedly have programmes and groups available. The experience of sharing can be transforming and serves to scaffold you for a better future. You will meet others who have had similar or worse experiences to yourself. By networking in this way, you will discover an incredible courage in those around you, and find inspiration to get you through. Try not to be put off by any religious undertones, as you will benefit ten fold by the programmes and the people you meet.

Hobbies:
I know that for those first few months your thoughts will be completely consumed with your ex and the effects of the separation. Whether there be lawyers, in-laws etc involved, your mind will be most agitated. A way to avoid this is to try and find a hobby to immerse yourself into. This is another way to meet friends, and although you may not be able to fully concentrate and put your full effort into it, you will be surprised at those special people who will come your way. Give yourself a break, you don’t have to conduct yourself in the hobby perfectly – just distract yourself. Choose a hobby that you have to actively engage yourself in.

Select something that’s active and practical. Some suggested hobbies are:
• Ballroom dancing
• Gardening
• Cake making classes
• Cooking classes
• Art classes
• Bush walks

Kids in a breakup

By doing the ‘Do Nots’ this will in time, develop resentment towards you and a feeling of detachment. Be warned. Bringing your children into this is very dangerous and will affect your child for many years to come, if not for the rest of their lives.

Alternatively, see this as your opportunity to be the best parent you can be. Set boundaries and routines, show that you love and care for them. Be brave for your children.

There will be times when you need to explain to the children that things are not going to be the same, for example, financial constraints. DO NOT burden them with this though. Find alternative ways of meeting financial constraints. Use your family and friends as support. INVOLVE your children in the decisions needed to be made. For example, if purchasing clothing is too expensive, rather than choose second hand clothing for your children, let them choose for themselves. Let them think of alternative ways to meet their needs. Teach them to accept that sometimes in life things happen, but it will make you stronger for the future.

Find a way for your children to be involved in things they need to be involved in. Make sacrifices on your part. And always, always treat your children with dignity. NOW is when you need to spend lots of time with your children and grow your bond. Never let them see the distress the breakup has caused you. For if they see you are empowered, they will feel empowered too.

Children are just little adults after all!

Your assets!

Friends:

Your friends are a treasure and insurance in a way.  When your life falls apart you will be truly amazed at the support that will come your way.  Whether it be finding furniture for you, being there on your first birthday without your ex, or simply helping you to think straight when you can’t – your friends are a stronghold for you.  Understandably, there will be friends who were mutual friends to you and your ex partner, and you will find that your relationship with these friends will change.  Many will distance themselves from you, or they will have split loyalties and yo – yo between the two of you.  For their sake, it is best not to talk to mutual friends.  Since, they are friends who loved the two of you together.  Remember those precious girlfriends and keep your alliances strong with them.  You may also like to form new friendships.  These friends are your true friends who will continue to love and support you even when you are irrational.

 

Family:

The relationships you have with your family can indeed be very tried during the time of separation.  They will also feel exhausted and torn.  The ripples of a separation will affect everyone in the family.  So, find your alliances in the family and build on these.  Talk to them as much as you need to, however, when you sense enough is enough, give them a breather.

 

Children:

Whatever you do, please leave the children out of it.  Your reactions now can determine a lot for your children in the future, and their relationship with you.  It is natural for children to also feel emotions such as anger, anxiety and guilt.

 

There are significant mistakes you can make during this time, and I have seen it all too often in my experiences as a teacher.

 

So here are some behaviours to avoid:

 

• Do not criticize your ex to your children. This will simply leave your child feeling torn between two parents, and judging another parent or even worse, MISTRUSTING the other parent.  As much as you might dislike or hate your ex, you CHOSE to have children to that person, and it is unfair and dispiccable to set barriers between your child and your ex.
• Do not use your children as messengers.  It does not impress well upon a child to see that you are not empowered enough to talk to your him yourself.
• Do not use your children as spies to see what your ex is getting up to.  It is natural that they may say something about the happenings with your ex, but do not initiate the conversation yourself.  I know it is tempting, but it is irresponsible of you to burden your child with your issues.
• Do not talk to your children about the problems with your ex and the feelings you are feeling.  I know it is hard, but now is the time to be very brave.  There is nothing worse for a child to see their parents crying or losing control of their emotions, as it is instills a sense of helplessness and despair in the child.  Remember, your child has their own problems, and they are their own person too.

After the breakup

After the breakup

Relationship breakdown is a harrowing, traumatic experience for anyone. The analogy of having your guts pulled out may come to mind as you realize there is a part of you that your former spouse has ripped away and that you will never get back.

Not only do you feel the loss of your spouse, but their whole family, your home and essentially your whole life as you knew it. You feel your heart has been severed, experiencing a profound sense of soul wrenching loss.

Yes, in some ways, a relationship breakdown is worse than a death, as that person lives still, and you start to ride the roller coaster of emotions: self blame, humiliation, anger, fear, the what ifs of other partners you could have chosen, shame, loneliness and many more. Or perhaps you might feel a sense of liberation and relief. Either way, no matter what end of the scale you’re on, you are still on the end of the scale! There might be a period of utter shock and numbness that will encompass you and may last with you for months, or even a year or two.

There are many aspects one finds themselves suddenly facing. The other side of the bed is empty when it has been occupied for many months or years, you have no-one to go with to that barbeque or show. All around you see happy couples nonchalantly going about their business and activities. You are the only one alone, or so it feels.

If you were to take a bird’s eye view, rest assured there would be many more single people around you than you notice. The mind works in a very strange way. Think about dieting. All of a sudden you are forbidden to eat that delicious piece of cake. You never thought what it would be like to not have that cake before you went on a diet – it’s only when you CAN’T have the cake, that you suddenly find yourself thinking ‘I really want that cake!’. Somehow the human mind is programmed to think that way. So, START actively looking around and counting all the single people you come across during the day. Keep a score, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

Like anything in this life, there is a strategy to put into place when the break up occurs. And although the easiest option is to mope about, it is very important that you somehow get yourself out of that. You may not feel like it, but you must take the following steps to keep yourself mentally healthy and well.

Learn to live with yourself:
Your life is not going to be the same without that other person. Even if you feel it is for the best or worst, keep in mind that it is not; remember the breakup happened for a reason – the reason that you are NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER, and there is SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU! The RIGHT one! So, make changes to your life as soon as you can. Change your routine, your furniture placements, learn some handy man skills, have a dinner party; just walk on in your life without that person. Learning to live with yourself can be a daunting task. Think of it as a process of de-toxing or drug rehab. In the same way you have been attached to the same person for such a long time, weening yourself away from your ex might be harder than you think; even when you don’t want to be with him anymore. The reason for this is because you have to face yourself. Suddenly you have to live with yourself – only you. There is only one way to do this and that is to JUST DO IT! The sooner you can do it the better. Even though I couldn’t think of anything worse than to be back with my ex, I still found it very difficult to be alone. In some ways this was worse than being with him – but only for the short term. Once I forced myself to be alone at night and to do things on my own, I started to be more comfortable with it. So don’t try to avoid the inevitable. Face yourself. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will feel empowered to move forward in strength.

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